I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
