i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
