they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
