____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
