I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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