She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
