Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
