Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize