the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
