i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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