I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
