I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
