On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize