i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
