I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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