Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
