I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
