Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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