We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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