Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
