Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Pooping to opera.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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