Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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