I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
