I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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