i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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