You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
