so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
please come you make the beer taste better
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
