My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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