and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
