i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
