if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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