PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
