i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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