Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
