Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
