i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
