what day is it and did you see me today?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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