I just made out with a guy for $7.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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