I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
