Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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