im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
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