i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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