i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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