This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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