i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
