last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
