I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
