He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
