I'm going to rape someone's good day.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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