you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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