If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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