this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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