i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
