I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
