I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
