Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
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