Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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