My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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